Making a major move such as buying my first home, as we recently did, was perhaps one of the most freeing moments of my life, thus far at least.
Amidst all the unpacked boxes, the general chaos I’ve discovered something about myself.
I haven’t taken the time or the attention to really take care of, even show love to myself. Oh, sure, there have been moments but I’ve let the harshness, the reality, and the disappointments of life steal that away from me so often that it’s almost become a habit now. One I intend to break free of.
I’m finding that as I’m unpacking I’m wanting to simply throw away whatever is in most boxes and begin anew without the memories attached to certain “things”. I would never call myself a minimalist (I’ve always been more of a hoarder) yet I find myself wanting to surround myself, my home with items that reflect who I am today… not yesterday. It’s not that I want fewer things, but that I want whatever I surround myself with to show that I care about my own well-being. That I fill bookcases because I love getting lost in other worlds. That my fascination with plants has finally been given permission to “bloom” into taking chances with plants I’d never tried to grow before. That should I want a beautiful dragon or white tiger statue nestled in among the plants on their shelves… well, why not? It’s my plant shelf to love as I see fit.
Freedom comes in so many ways – sometimes freedom from who you were and acceptance of who you are now is the best way to celebrate personal freedoms.
What the Fae? has been sadly neglected recently. Oh, there is a reason (there are always reasons, even bad ones)… one that after everything was said and done fills me with joy. But it was a journey to get to that feeling today as dawn breaks.
We’ve purchased our first home… well, the mortgage company and us. 🙂 Yet as long as those monthly payments are made (on time), this is our home now. I cannot truly describe the freedom (and responsibility) that has settled upon me this past month since moving in. Awe, certainly knowing that this is mine, I make the decisions here (along with my co-owner) but they are still our agreed-upon choices and not the whim of a landlord who decides to ruin a lovely view of the woods where a herd of deer wanders through daily with 14 apple trees as he builds an orchard on “his” property. That was the final straw for us. The decision wasn’t easy but it was necessary and thankfully everything worked out in the end. (but what a journey the road to homeownership truly is)
The feelings of peace and joy within the chaos of moving in are indescribable. Boxes are still scattered everywhere, some taped shut, others half empty, still more awaiting recycling day… but it’s my chaos, that’s the difference. Kind of like life actually.
I was amazed at the trash we were able to toss before the move. Things that were no longer useable, unneeded, or simply kept for the memory (when in reality the memory is in the mind not the item). Some of those undecided things came with us, but I’m finding that I’m more willing to let those “not sure” things end up in the trash more often than finding a spot for them. And that is… freeing is the only word that comes to mind.
It’s a little before 6:30 a.m. here, dawn is breaking on the horizon. I can see its beautiful hues from the sliding glass door on my patio. it’s just one reason why I chose this room for my own.
A new day with new possibilities, and old responsibilities. And, at this moment, I can embrace each for its own worth.
It’s been said, by those that claim to know such things, that it takes a certain number of days to form new habits. While there may be science behind that claim, I believe that it is a person’s motivation for change that truly drives the learning of a new habit. After all, something only becomes a habit by doing the same thing over and over until it becomes a natural part of living.
Yesterday I reclaimed my own well-being, my own attention on my personal self-care. So, today is Day One of that new journey. I’ve managed to go for about 17 hours without once letting the “I can’t _____ ” (fill in the blank with negative thoughts) steal my good mood from me. Will every day be so successful? Of course not, but I can celebrate those 17 hours as a good start.
I believe that at some point we go beyond the need to survive the day and move into wanting to enjoy the day, no matter what happens in those 24 hours. That is part of the striking “I can’t” from my habit list. When one believes, truly at their core believes that their worth is somewhere near the mud at the bottom of a pond… well, the only logical thing to do for survival is to swim toward the surface and wash that mud off. That is truly what my desire to strike “I can’t” from my vocabulary rises from. I’m tired of feeling like the nasty bottom of a pond, I’d much rather be that waterlily that graces the surface of the pond with beauty knowing its roots are grounded in the mud for its life. There is a difference, and I challenge you to really see what that is in your own life. (I challenge myself to remember this analogy every single day as well)
I’ll be back tonight with an update. For now, I’m about to go enjoy this cold, crisp, beautiful day – I wish the same for you.
I think the last few years have taken a toll on all of us. Yet, some of us (myself included) have long battled a war against ourselves. We believe the worst about ourselves, even when there is no evidence of truth in those beliefs.
After a day where I had been particularly down on myself, something snapped, a conversation was remembered, and finally, I had had enough of myself.
When the words of someone who loves you cannot reach your inner self it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities. And that is what I’m going to be doing for the rest of this year (and perhaps beyond).
Now the absolute truth is… we all have too much personal information out there in the world through the internet. So, I won’t be going into teeny, tiny details about my personal struggles. In general, yes. In detail, no. Yet what I can say is simply I have been a victim of verbal and mental abuse in relationships at two times in my life (guess I didn’t learn that lesson on what to look for fast enough). I know what it feels like to be told you’re worthless, you can’t do anything right, you are not “enough” for a relationship. I’ve been there I’ve got the tears to prove it. That’s the only detail I’m giving out – the base of my feelings of self-inadequacies is driven by those years of negativity in my life. And it continued to undercut the rest of my life… until today when I made a choice to seek something better for myself.
Don’t ever believe it’s too late for you – as long as you draw breath, there is time enough to take care of yourself, to love yourself.
So. For today – and maybe for this week, I’m setting one goal for myself. To do away with the automatic phrase “I can’t…” and fill in whatever blank comes after. I can. I have. I will again so that “I can’t” is just BS. Plain and simple. Yet. I also have to believe it and I’m not there just yet but working on it. So for now no more “I can’t” – I will, even if it scares me, I will.
That’s if for today. I’m off to putter with plants because that brings me joy… and we all need joy in our lives.
Take care of yourself – you are the only ‘you’ in existence, celebrate that unique person.